Bring it on..... 2008

I have lots of different things going on lately but I will try and keep it short. Mostly I wanted to talk about the things that I have been and will continue to try to change.
I was extremely sick over the holidays and thought that it would go away but it hasn't. After lots of trips to the Dr we have discovered absolutely nothing. I have been having a lot of chest pains which feels like someone has been punching my ribs. I am still not breathing slowly enough and I have the greatest symptoms of acid reflux. After about $200 in just co pays and Rx's and an extra day off of work I have an action plan. They all have a little story behind them so sorry for the legnth.
1. I have quit smoking. Or at least that is what I like to think anyway. After being sick over christmas and then through until new years my chest just couldn't handle the cigerettes. So I decided to quit. Which was great until I started feeling better and then was craving them like no other. I have really stuck to it though. I figured that if i could quit biting my nails then i could quit smoking..... right?!? It has been about two weeks but I keep thinking of how much better I will feel once the cravings have gone and I don't have to worry about spending $5 on a pack of cigerettes anymore.
2. Start exercising again. I was at work and a friend there told me that because I have been feeling so bad and anxious and pissed off all of the time maybe I should go for a walk or something. He was quick to say that it wasn't because he thought i was over weight but because exercise releases those endorphines and makes you that little bit happier. So..... I broke out my Power 90 dvd and followed along with the cardio part to get some exercise going. Lets face it. It is too damn cold outside to go walking so what better place to jump around than at home where no one can see you. So i followed along for about half an hour on the slow easier moves and was feeling better about it until my chest was going to cave in and trying to hold it together wasn't helping either. I took some of my prednisone and about fourty five mins later I was feeling better and glad that I had picked up the pace a little. Granted it took me all day to get my chest pain to somewhat normal but it was worth it.
3. Changing my diet. This was a big one for me because I like to eat unhealthy foods. I am very much a comfort food kind of a person and to lose that as well as giving up everything else has been kind of hard. The biggest things to give up was coffee, chocolate, chinese food and pop. The other downside is that I can't substitute for things i kind of liked like juice, or oranges. I cannot have any caffiene, carbonated beverages, anything deep fried or greasy. And because I don't cook well at all and everything that you can buy out is bad I have been on a diet of chicken breasts and gatorade. I do eat a lot of salad and do do some mixing with the chicken but it has been two weeks and everything is starting to taste like cardboard. Today I have had a banana, toast, and for lunch left over chicken and rice casserole I made for dinner last night. I don't know if anyone has had to give up all of their vices at once for their health but it is like living in hell. I must admit though it isn't as had as having to live with the pain in my chest.
4. I have changed my out look a little bit. My goal is to change my outlook on everything but because I am on prednasone which is like moodswing central it is kind of hard. One minute I am fine and the next i am like the hulk. I don't have the patients to spare others feelings right now and I don't spare any feelings in the process. Which I feel bad for after but really have no control in the mean time. C and I had a flair up the other day because I lovingly picked up some things for him because he has been sick too. I had hand fulls of stuff and my keys were in my purse. I kicked the door as it was locked and i didn't have any hands free to knock and he yelled that he couldn't unlock the door because he was playing his stupid game. (If anyone has lived with someone who plays world of warcraft you would understand) So i put everything down. Got my keys out of my purse, picked everything back up again and then dropped it from shoulder height onto the middle of the study floor. He asked what my problem was and I blew up into next week and refused to talk to him all night. It was probably a little bit of an over reaction but he has not been supportive one bit about all of the things I am having to over come and honestly some days I just want to kick him in the balls.
In conclusion..... I am going to work really hard to be a happy person, like i used to be. And start to really look out for myself first instead of everyone else. I don't know if there is something going on in my chest medically or if it is all because I need to overcome them in my own mind. I do know that I do not want to be reliant on medicine and that alone because I am in such a hole right now that it is hard for me to see any light. I see just a little everyonce in a while but still not enough that i have the stregnth to push toward.
Things need to change in my life and I am praying for the stregnth and non negativity to be able to do so. I think that I have tried to fix things for myself for so long and just have to reach out for a little help. I am giving my relationship until our lease is up and then will be by myself if he can't get his head out of his ass. I am hoping for a transfer and promotion through work. I am focusing a lot on that right now because I feel that i have enough support from my regional managers to make it big in this company. By the end of the year I would like to be smooth riding and not so stressed out and down in the dumps all of the time. My all time goal is to not be like a friend of mine. She is on so many medicines and inhalers and nebulizers that she can't seem to survive without them. My goal is not to be like that and to remember to be myself first and if people don't like that they can go F*** themselves. Booo yaa!!!
Love you all
Wish me luck. BE well and be strong.