sleepless thoughts

Hi everyone. It is ten thirty in the pm and i couldn't sleep, so thought i would write some things down. Chris got home from drill this afternoon. I can't tell you how great it was to just have a quiet weekend by myself in a nice quiet and clean house. However, it is really nice to have hime home. He definately is out of his blaaa stage and is becoming very effectionate again. This is the part of him i really like. He came home and thanked me for cleaning the house and said how nice it looked, and how pretty i looked with my hair up. It is so nice for him to notice and to say something. I rarely have the time or energy to do my hair, especially with the babies at work pulling on it all of the time. I work really hard to keep our house nice and to look nice and take good care of myself. It is even nicer of him to notice. After feeding the guys and some friends some very easy to make stew. I sat down to watch my programs and then went to bed for some cuddle time with Chris. For those of you who actually get updated, it is very rare for him to come to bed with me. He sits on his computer until the early hours of the morning and comes to bed when i am too tired to notice he came. It is funny though because now i am the one staring at the computer screen while he sleeps in bed. He laughs and my silly jokes again and smiles when i make silly and inapropriate comments. He has started to give me the, "god i love you" look again and makes me warm and fuzzy. Last night while he was away i sent him a text message to say goodnight and he didn't respond for a while. He had called earlier to tell me how miserable and bored he was there and so i was a little concerned that he had not answered. I didn't have anything to be concerned about necesarily, but still worried which is the nature of me. He did finally answer and I can't explain the smile on my face. It was like a very nice unexpected surprise. He has been very distant lately and it worries me that we were headed back in that direction. When he came home today and smiled I knew that he was ok. I know that that smile means that i make him happy and he doesn't have to say another word. Of course the extra words are appreciated and very nice but still not needed with that smile. I talk a lot of Chris because he is the one thing in my life that makes me really happy. He can still really piss me off, don't get me wrong, but still he makes me happy. Some people, ok most people, think i am truly crazy for revolving my world around him. I make sure i am home to clean and cook and do our laundry. I do everything for him which can cause a lot of lazyness on his part but still makes me feel great when i get that smile and a thank you. It is really retarded i know but i smile inside just thinking about it. On a different note I have some thoughts that confuse me everyday. It is mostly to do with the people that i work with. I love my job, first of all and i do have a great co worker that i adore. She is a great worker and is supportive of my thoughts and ideas on how to care for the babies. There are just so many people around that damn place that just don't give a shit that it can really bring a person down. Not with her though. When it is frustrating we dance and sing to obscene music and share frustrations. We both work very hard to work through the moment and come out better on the other side. The problem that i see is the other people i work with. They are so negative and pesimistic about others. It is very easy to get caught up in and the gossip comes back to bite you in the ass every time. You would think i would have learned. Anyway..... I feel like everytime i walk into a room everyone shuts up. I say goodmorning and everyone turns their backs and grunts. I work hard to make sure that the laundry is done there and that i can help in other classrooms but still don't get any help in return. If i can't help i am then the inconvenience to everyone. A good example was that i went on a chocolate walk in Marion on friday night where you walked around to see the stores there and collected chocolates. It was like trick or treating for adults and very fun. I was going to meet some co workers there and had taken a friend along. I had tried to contact one co worker and then later ran into her who said that she had left her phone in her car. No biggy, shit happens and i was glad to see her. I was purchasing some popcorn and no more than had turned around and she and the other lady with her had bolted out the door and met the group from work. They hurried down the street. I waved hello through the window and recieved a head nod from one co worker as if to say oh god you are freaking here. I just feel like such an outcast though. It has been explained to me that i am not well liked because i have such a good connection to the kids. What is so bad about giving every one of them a little extra attention. It is part of my job and all. I don't know if i am just too chipper every day or if there is another reason for them disliking me. Maybe i am just a sap and super annoying and don't know it. The one thing i do know is that they are my best friend when they want something and my worst enemy if i can't help them. I don't know what to do to make things better or if there is something about my personality that i need to work on. Maybe you could help. I keep to myself at work and Melanie and i both work hard to make our boss look good to her boss. That seems to work but i would like to be more of a crowd instead of a very happy suzy home maker. I am going to get going for the day. Maybe i will write again tonight. Who knows where my thoughts will take me. I wrote an e-mail to my parents yesterday expressing how much they mean to me and am glad that i did. It was my step mom that got me interested in this personal page stuff. I was very skeptical about it to begin with because i didn't know if i had anything interesting to say. I have learned very quickly today that it is great to write stuff down. It is awesome to get things out and it is great for my typing speed. LOL. I am going to sign off for the night and make it so that other people can start to read this legnthy post. If no body is interested it is ok because at least i got it out there. Some comments and responses would be nice though because it is even nice to know someone is listening and cares. Love you all Carrie